A Warning to Wives

 I’m troubled in my spirit by a trend I’ve seen in the church. 

What is it?  Wives who pull their husbands out of church because they are dissatisfied.

Here’s the scenario.  The husband and wife join the church and become involved in meaningful ways.  But over time, the wife begins to notice little things that bother her, and these annoyances get in her spirit.  The nursery has some issues.  The youth doesn’t have a full time youth pastor.  The women don’t have enough Bible studies.  There’s no opportunity to sing solos.  Somebody’s offended them.  They’re not appreciated.  Their family is having a crisis and somehow it’s the church’s fault. There’s someone in leadership with a past.  Her husband is serving so much that he can’t sit with her in service. And the list goes on and on.

So, they begin the constant “dripping” to the husband (Prov. 27:15).  The complaining.  The negativity.  The negotiating.  The positive talk about what other churches in town are doing.  “The church down the street has amazing leadership.  The church across town has more Bible studies.  The church so-and-so goes to has more programs for our kids, etc.”  Manipulate lately?

Then there’s the husband. The husband starts out happy.  He’s using his gifts and talents in service to the Lord.  He has gained credibility and a respectable position in the church. He’s reading his Bible and growing in his faith. He has brothers in the Lord whom he’s accountable to and he enjoys spending time with . . . ALL good, except for his dilemma- his wife wants to leave.  He loves his wife. He wants her to be happy.  He gets weary from her constant depressing commentary. He is caught in between his own desire to stay and his wife’s desire to go after something “better.”

How does it end?  The wife wins.  

Here’s what she doesn’t know.  Men who love going to church are rare.  According to David Murrow, in most churches the only man who practices his faith is the pastor! He explains,

“Let me be blunt: today’s church has developed a culture that is driving men away. Almost every man in America has tried church, but two-thirds find it unworthy of a couple of hours once a week. A wise Texan once told me, “Men don’t go to church ’cuz they’ve been.”

More than 90 percent of American men believe in God, and five out of six call themselves Christians. But only two out of six attend church on a given Sunday. The average man accepts the reality of Jesus Christ, but fails to see any value in going to church.” (Why Men Hate Going to Church, by David Murrow)

So, why in the world, if your husband loves going to church, has found a place to serve using his unique gifts and abilities, and is experiencing the great adventure of reaching people for Jesus, would you drag him away? 

Ladies, I’ve been dissatisfied in church.  And sometimes for valid reasons.  But, I believe when we see problems in the church we should go to our knees and begin to pray.  There are no perfect churches and no perfect church people. Stop and ask yourself-is my discontent really because of the church I’m attending or my own lack of intimacy with Christ?

Girls, do you REALLY want to be the spiritual leader in your home?  Do you REALLY want to take your husband away from Godly men?  Men who will stand by your husband and counsel him to overcome worldly temptations like pornography, addictions, anger issues, etc?  Men who will challenge your husband to be more like Christ?  Be very careful not to unwittingly become part of the enemy’s plan to steal your husband away from his walk with Christ.

P.S.

Of course I believe there are legitimate reasons for leaving a church (which I won’t go into in this blog post), but leaving a healthy church you’ve served in should be done with great care and great prayer. A good test of a church’s health is:  Do the leaders have integrity?  Are they active in carrying out the Great Commission?  Will they make room for you to serve using your gifts and abilities?  Do they preach the word of God? Do they have a vision to reach the lost in the community and spread God’s love?

Are You a Consumer Christian?

“Consumer Christianity” is crippling the church. It’s the mindset that somehow church is about us. One mega church pastor, Walt Kallestad of Community Church of Joy, found that his church’s strategy was actually fostering “Consumerism.” “We became a dispenser of religious goods and services where people came to get instead of a missions station where people are launched to give.”1

If we raise up our people to be consumers, what will we get? By definition, a consumer is a “user.” According to church consultant Kevin G. Ford, this is a failed strategy for growing your church. “First, consumers resist change. Second, the consumer is never satisfied. Rather than being transformed into a life of sacrifice and service, the consumer will demand more and more of others.”2 Another way to spot a “consumer” is by their critical spirit. They are the first people to find fault with something, but rarely offer a life-giving solution or volunteer to help improve a situation.

As a church planter, I think we made some mistakes from the start. We wanted our church to offer the best of everything—technology, programs for all ages, etc.—but instead of training our people to serve, I think we fostered their predisposition to be consumers. The trouble is when a consumer is done consuming, they leave to go find another church to consume from, and the cycle starts again.

For example, here are some paraphrased complaints my husband and I heard in our first two years from long-time Christians who left our church:

• “I’m burned out. I just want to show up and enjoy the service—not set up, not serve in the nursery, etc.—I just need to receive.”

• “I want to go to a church where I get fed. . . where they teach deeper things.”

• “This church doesn’t have enough to offer my kids. I’m looking for a church with a strong children and youth program, and this one doesn’t offer Sunday school or midweek youth services.

• “I wanted to lead the sound ministry and speak occasionally, but the pastor won’t let me. I’m going to find a place where my gifts are valued.”

• “Our family likes to participate in sports on Sunday and this church doesn’t offer a Saturday night service. We need to find a place that offers more service times.”

• “I’d like to sing solos on the worship team, but the worship leader won’t let me.”

• “I want to meet in a building. This theatre doesn’t have an altar area, and we need to have an extended prayer time after each service.”

• “I’d like to have weekly Bible studies geared toward my age group, but I don’t want to lead them. This church doesn’t offer anything for my age.”


What’s left if “consumer Christianity” runs amok? If left unchecked, one day the only churches left standing will be the mega-churches. The simple fact is mega churches can offer more to the “consumer.” Unfortunately, since people “can’t get enough of what they don’t really need,”3 church consumers become like addicts--always searching for that perfect church experience, but never being fully satisfied.

Let me say, I have nothing against mega churches. I constantly glean from pastors of mega churches. These men and women started from humble beginnings, and with a great team of believers alongside them, they planted their seed, tended their fields, and reaped their harvest.

But to mature Christians I ask, how can we grow the kingdom of God by abandoning the local church and, especially, the small church plant? “If everyone consumes, who produces?”4

As mature Christians our motivation should be obvious. First, we must walk in an intimate relationship with God. If we love God, we will be committed to loving and serving others. Even if obeying God requires me to sacrifice my own personal preferences, needs, wants, and desires. Period.

The opposite of a “consumer Christian” is a Christian dedicated to the community of believers God calls them to serve alongside in the goal of fulfilling the Great Commission. Creativity will flow from this kind of mindset and heart commitment.

I’ve recently made a conscious decision to start training the people in my church NOT to be consumers. We’re all familiar with the first line of the Great Commission, “Therefore go and make disciples of all nations. . .” But, are we aware of the follow-up line . . . “teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you.” (Matt. 28:18,19) People must be taught to obey God and to serve because it is not in our nature to do these things.

To combat “consumer Christianity,” here are some strategies:

• Learn to embrace change. Although methods might change, don’t forget the main mission that Jesus gave us.
• If you are a consumer Christian, I encourage you to become part of a small, missional group within your local church. Then, participate in the mission.
• Don’t expect your church to meet all your needs and all your families needs, only God can!
• Be careful about criticizing the church—the enemy loves that kind of talk because it causes division and confusion.
• Pray for your church and ask your pastors where you attend, “How can I help fulfill the mission of this church?” Remember, God’s called you to the mission too.

Now, get ready for an incredible God adventure in your local church and in your family! Let the creativity begin!

1-4 Kevin G. Ford’s book Transforming Church.